I can't believe it's been three weeks since I updated. I guess life has gotten in the way lately.

And by life I mean things that keep breaking, highly anticipated movies coming out and reading three books at once. Oh, today's time-consuming event was due to a dog who found a dead skunk and rolled in it. I shampooed him five times plus washed him in tomato sauce. Ew. Ew, ew, ew.

The dilators seem to be doing their job. I haven't been using them as often as I'm supposed to, but things down there are doing better... much to my hubby's delight :)

My neighbor's crazy body seems to be calming down lately. She hasn't said anything about having any more contractions or anything. Unfortunately, her blood tests came back normal so a specialist refused to see her... which is annoying. However, her dad is paying for a top of the line brain scan that they have scheduled in a few weeks so we're all anxious to see what they find out from that. They had her medical records from her accident sent to them and I got to see pictures of her scalped. She seriously should not be alive. Totally crazy.

I've been going to the gym three times a week now and am loving it. I do Zumba on Tuesdays, elliptical and yoga on Thursdays and elliptical and Body Pump (a barbell class set to music) on Saturdays. My parents and I have also been going for walks on the bike trail or local parks lately, too. I wouldn't say that I'm addicted to working out yet, but it's much easier than it had been. I can tell that I am a lot stronger than I was right after I had Kasen and although I'm still not at my pre-IVF weight, I'm very close and most of my clothes fit me again. (Though the breastfeeding boobs make some things fit weird.) I was even able to run around the yard with my dog the other day... for more than two minutes. I spent like 15 minutes outside playing with him - running and hiding and playing keep away. I honestly haven't been able to run like that in 15 years - no lie. And what I'm really excited about is that a couple from our lamaze class that we befriended joined my gym this week so now I have a gym buddy! She's going to start coming with me to all the classes that I do - yay! It helps sooo much to have someone there with you!

Speaking of breastfeeding - well, pumping for us - I am so excited that Kasen is eating solids now and has cut back on his bottles some. I now only have to pump three times a day which is so so so lovely. I do it first thing in the morning while I eat breakfast and check my e-mails, I do it right before bed at night and the third one I do whenever I get time during the day. I'm still making plenty and am even have to freeze some every once in awhile.

Kasen's amazing 10-12 hour a nigiht sleep schedule suddenly changed awhile ago. He started getting up every 2-3 hours and I couldn't figure out why. He wasn't even really waking up - just laying there screaming with his eyes closed. I knew we had gotten out of the habit of doing his whole bedtime routine, but when I started doing it again it didn't really help. I had like three people suggest I read "The No-Cry Sleep Solution" by Elizabeth Pantley so I got it from the library and it made me realize a few things.

1. We had basically trained him to only go to sleep with a bottle or pacifier. While this wasn't a big deal to us when we put him down for the night, when he woke up in the middle of the night without one of those things, he couldn't fall back asleep - so he'd cry until we gave him one or the other.

2. He wasn't getting enough naps during the day. I hadn't really bothered to put him on a nap schedule - I was just letting him nap whenever he felt like it... for as long as he felt like it. People think that if a baby is worn out by the end of the night they'll be exhausted and sleep well, but their sleep cycles are so much different from ours that that is not the case. The better and longer naps they have, the better they sleep at night.

3. The earlier a baby goes to bed, the better. Again - makes no sense. I was keeping him up until 9 p.m. hoping he'd sleep until 8 or 9 a.m. I was worried if I put him to bed at 7 p.m., he'd get up at 6 or 7 a.m. Crazy enough that's also not the case.

So I changed things up and saw results after only two days!

First, I made sure that if he hadn't started acting sleepy after being awake for two hours during the day, I'd go ahead and try to get him to lay down for a nap anyway. To my surprise, he'd usually go to sleep so apparently I was missing his sleepy signals and he was getting overtired. I'd listen closely for him to fuss the entire time and if he had slept less than an hour, I'd go in and try to comfort him to get him to keep sleeping longer. For his age, my goal is always at least a two hour nap.

I moved his bedtime to 7:30 p.m. At 7 p.m., I start the new bedtime routine. I give him his last bottle in the livingroom until he acts done. We "brush" his "teeth" (lol!) in the bathroom while I brush mine. (He really gets a kick out of this.) We then wash his face and put lotion on his cheeks - they're always dry. Next we go to the nursery to put on a clean diaper and jammies then we sit in the rocking chair and read a story or two. Hug, kiss, lay in bed. I give him his stuffed monkey, which he promptly smiles at and hugs. We read his bedtime book, say "goodnight" and he rolls over on his side hugging his monkey. I turn off the light and leave the room and don't hear a peep!

The first day he got 3 naps for a total of 4 1/2 hours and that night he woke up 3 times.

The second day he got 4 naps for a total of 4 1/2 hours and that night he only woke up 1 time!

After that it was a breeze! He didn't need a pacifier or bottle in the middle of the night when he did wake up - which was generally only happening once, if at all! He was getting great naps during the day and sleeping 12+ hours at night!

Then things got messed up :(

I blame my husband :)

One night, he couldn't resist picking him up to hug him before he went to work. (He works midnights.) He woke Kasen up doing it and I couldn't get him back down and things got all messed up after that night.

That night he woke up 4 times and the next day he didn't nap well.... partly because we weren't home all day and he hardly slept where he was. (We went to see New Moon and my parents watched him more us.)

Since then his naps have been off and short and he's gotten up at night every 2-3 hours again and refuses to go to sleep without a binky. After a few days of that, I got to the point where I didn't even care and would just give it to him so that I could go back to sleep.

So for the past few days I've been trying to make sure he naps more and I'm starting to see results again. He only got up twice last night and his naps were better today. I've noticed that if he gets 4 hours worth of naps during the day, he seems to sleep best. He slept 3 1/2 hours today so I'm hoping maybe he'll only get up once tonight... or none. :)

My poor vagina.

After everything it went through with labor/delivery and then the prolapsed uterus and Pessary From Hell experience, it is revolting. Now I have vaginismus, which is basically when your kegal muscle decides it's had enough and revolts by clenching shut and hanging up a "no entry" sign.

Sex is painful as hell. I know a lot of it is in my head but even when I try my hardest to relax, I can't. It's like the muscle has a mind of it's own and is trying to protect itself. So today I went to the doctor to pick up a set of dialators, which are basically four dildos, sized small to large, that I'm to insert twice a day and leave for a few minutes until my vagina gets used to it and remembers that not all things going in hurt.

The Boy is patient and understanding and, well, sex deprived. Hopefully this works.

Kasen's doing great. He's 18 pounds of adorableness. He's gotten really good at grabbing his bottle and putting it in his mouth. He loves taking his binky out and looking at it then popping it back in - over and over again. Yesterday, we noticed him sucking on his thumb. (oh boy...!) He can roll over both ways, but chooses not to. He's also getting pretty good at sitting up. You've got to put him in the position but he's getting better and better at holding himself there for awhile. He LOVES books... he'll sit there and flip through them and jibber-jabber at them. He's also started singing, which is adorable. He recently had his first cold, but it wasn't too bad at all. He had a low grade fever, slept quite a bit and was all snortily... did not like the aspirator sucking all that snot out, but it got the job done! (Speaking of his fever, I LOVE my temporal thermometer. It was $30 at Wal-Mart but so totally worth it!!)

We're going to stop going to laptime at the library for the winter because of all the flu stuff. Kasen's too young to be vaccinated and who knows how often they sterilize the toys there. Plus with all the people, we just don't want to risk him getting sick.

Nothing is going on on the adoption front. We haven't really discussed what are next steps are going to be because we've been so busy lately with out-of-town visitors and trying to get some projects done around the house before winter comes. I need to do some more research on a few things before I'm ready to decide what path I'd like to see us take. I did just finish reading four books about adoption, but I didn't really learn anything I didn't already know.

In other news, my poor neighbor's body is going insane. For the past like three months she feels like she is pregnant... though she had her tubes tied two years ago. And I'm not just talking about the obvious pregnancy symptoms that can be attributed to an oncoming period like sore boobs, exhausted, nauseous, etc. She's bloated and peeing all the time and, get this, having contractions! She's taken many home pregnancy tests, had blood tests done and ultrasounds and everything is coming back normal. (Though her thyroid is a little high.) She had more tests done and is supposed to be getting the results today from the doctor. (Who, by the way, is the same doctor who just gave me the dildos.) The thing is, like nine years ago she was in an accident and should not have survived. She was thrown from the car like rag doll and hit the concrete highway divide. She was basically scalped down to the inner layer of her skull... but was considered a miracle because she was out of the hospital in five days. However, she's been having lots of issues lately - headaches, stuttering, forgetting things, etc., and she's starting to think that something is going on in her head from the accident... and wondering if all of these pregnancy symptoms are related. Tumor?

She actually went to the emergency room two nights ago. I woke up because my dog was barking at 3 a.m. to find him standing at our front window staring at her house... with an ambulance in the driveway. I figured something had happened with her so I called, her husband answered and I said "Do you need me to come sit with your kids?" He was crying and in shock but said yes. I was terrified walking in their house because I didn't know what I was going to find. She was surrounded by paramedics and crying, doubled over in pain and holding her stomach. My first thought was "now she's miscarrying her ghost pregnancy..." The paramedics thought she had an ectopic pregnancy, though that had been ruled out by our OB whose been doing all the tests. The hospital thought maybe it was an appendicitis, but all of her blood work came back normal. They sent her home saying that she was having internal organ spasms. Um, okay. That totally sounds like a cop out diagnosis to me.

She said she's feeling better today but neither of us are convinced that that's what happened.

She's getting a referral to an endocrinologist and going to try to get a CT scan of her brain to hopefully rule out a brain tumor or something like that. And in December, her dad is paying for her to go to one of the top neurologists in the country to have a high-tech brain scan done... this was already scheduled before all of this started happening because they are all realizing now that she should probably have had follow-up care after her accident just to be safe - and she never did.

Anyway, it's crazy. Anyone heard of things that can cause pregnancy symptoms like that?

The baby was born this past Monday and the BM decided to parent.

Disappointed? A little. Devastated? Not really. I wasn't feeling 100% confident with the situation so we're really okay with this. Now to dive into researching finding another birthmom because our home study for a private adoption is good for the next year!

Advice?

spring wouldn't be so beautiful if i didn't know the cold. i'm walkin' with my head held high but i do not walk alone. thank you, god, for the rain.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=CJ_yAKjAIBY

I feel like I have a lot on my mind that I want to blog about to get off my chest, but I can't put the words together.

The adoption stuff... fun. "Just adopt" is what I expected it would be. Waiting, wondering, guarding your heart and placing your hopes and trust in a stranger.

We hadn't heard from BM or GBM in over a week. (BM's cell phone is turned off because she hasn't paid her bill.) I talked to GBM yesterday and learned that BM is still pregnant. She had an appointment today where they would probably be scheduling the date for her c-section. GBM promised that she will let us know when the baby is born, whether BM wants to proceed with the adoption or not so that we are not sitting around in limbo. She said that she didn't want to talk bad about BM because she is her daughter but she is being incredibly emotional and mean. (Using her children as pawns to get her way with things. Spanking them for stupid reasons.) GBM started crying telling me about some things that have been going on. She said that if it was up to her this adoption would be a done deal but it's obviously not her decision. (I think she'd like us to take all three of the kids, actually, to save them from the life they have with BM.)

I have no faith that this adoption will or will not happen. I am totally just here waiting to see how it all plays out.

When I think of this baby, it's all totally in abstract, like it doesn't really exist. That's probably a good thing because it's stopped me from becoming attached to the idea really. But when GBM was telling me about some of the things going on, I couldn't help but think of how this baby's life is totally at a crossroads depending on her decision. Now I can't stop picturing her 3-year-old son, already carrying around the baggage that her life has thrown on him and her 1-year-old daughter, who is still relatively untouched by the stresses, but that won't last for long, and this baby... probably already accustomed to yelling and stress in the womb.

We could give it such a better life.

I don't know that BM is selfless enough to do that though. At this point, I can see her keeping the baby out of spite... just because she knows that her mom thinks she shouldn't.

See? Fun!

In happier news, Kasen is adorable.

And at 4-months-old, I had to dig out 12-month clothing from the basement as some of his 6-9 month clothes are getting too small. What the hell?!

He's starting to mimic us when we sing to him... but it sounds more like an old indian chanting. Too friggin' cute!

I also think he's getting ready to start teething. He's had a slight fever that has come and gone over the last 24 hours. He's not eating like he was, his sleep schedule is off and he's drooling more than ever. He's not acting fussy (except when he's fighting sleep). At least I hope it's teething, and that he's not coming down with his first illness! The Boy isn't feeling well so we've been extra diligent about santizing doors/handles/laptops, etc. and washing our hands to cut down on the germs around here.

Off to feed Kasen. We're going to try some applesauce again - he's not a huge fan so far, but will probably end up doing bananas.

The things infertility does to you...

A husband who refuses to use birth control "just in case." Check.
Random very light spotting over a week ago. Check.
Sore boobs. Check.
Nausea that comes and goes. Check.
Extra tired. Check.
Random cramps. Check.
A husband who suddenly delcares that the random spotting could have been implantation bleeding. Check.
A husband who buys a home pregnancy test. Check.
POAS this morning. Check.
Negative result. Check.
Kicking myself for even considering the possibility. Check.

I informed The Boy this morning that we WILL be using birth control for the forseeable future because I do not want to live in a constant state of "what if." After we get a new sperm analysis done and see where how this adoption situation plays out, we can discuss things from there. However, if this adoption doesn't work out, our home study is good for a year so I'd rather spend the next year networking to see if we can find another birthmom and do a private adoption rather than trying to get pregnant.

Speaking of this adoption, our home study is complete. The assessor from the court came out last week to do the walk through. She talked to us for about half an hour, getting a quick version of our life stories and then literally walked through the house, commenting on how she likes the colors I painted. She didn't test the smoke detectors. She didn't even go in the basement or the garage. She had no comments on the hole in the ground with the plastic fence around it. (aka, our inground pool that needs a ton of work.)

I haven't heard a word from the BM or GBM. BMs cell phone has been temporarily disconnected (I'm assuming because she didn't pay her bill) and I've left two messages with GBM but she hasn't called back. The last message I left was letting her know that legally we are ready on our side but that I did learn that no matter how BM plans to proceed - if she does decide to go forward with an adoption, whether with us or not - she MUST have counseling done and she cannot sign the reliquishment papers for 72 hours afterwards. So, if she decides to wait 72 hours after the baby is born to even say anything to anyone about doing the adoption she then has to get counseling and wait another 72 hours before signing the papers. Preferably, she'd get the counseling before the baby is born so she'd only have to wait the mandatory 72 hours after birth to sign. If she doesn't, she either has to take the baby home with her or leave it at the hospital... but then it would be considered abandoned and go into state custody. (There's also a possibility we could do a babysitting agreement, but it's not legally binding and is probably something that should be discussed BEFORE the baby is born.) I'm hoping they'll schedule her c-section soon and someone will call us to let us know what she's thinking. Of course, if we got a call from her saying the baby has been born and she wants us to adopt it, we would do whatever we could to make it happen.

Off to finish making my first big batch of baby food for Kasen. We started on solids last week and he is a pro! Rice and avacados have been a big hit and today he tried bananas for the first time. Not completely sure about it but it took him a day with the avacados to like them, too. I'm doing two ice cube trays full of avacado/rice/breastmilk and banana/rice/breastmilk so that all I have to do come feeding time is grab a cube from the freezer and thaw it out. After a couple more days on bananas, we're going to introduce sweet potatoes. Yum!

The birthmom panicked and left her apartment 15 minutes before we got there without even telling her mom we were coming. Needless to say GBM was surprised to see us but we had a nice visit with her and met the one-year-old, who is this baby's full bio-sister.

I'm not upset at all by this. I know she's scared and overwhelmed and all of that... we are both still surprisingly at peace with everything and hopeful that it's all going to work out.

So strange.

I left all of the stuff I had printed out for her - her rights, her husband's rights, what her choices are and a list of answers to questions that she should be asking us. I'm hoping that she'll read it all and it'll put her mind at ease and help her make some sort of decision. Her mom said she'll try to get her to reschedule meeting with us - maybe on Tuesday.

Anyway, I wrote this for my blog for family/friends because I've been bombarded with questions about what's going on:

Sorry for the lack of updates again... but if you haven't heard or aren't on Facebook, I've had a very good reason.

There's a chance we may be adopting a baby.

You have a billion questions, I know.

WHAT?
Yes, that was my response. Actually my response was more like, "Um, sure, whatever. Like that'll happen." Then it turned into, "Um, wait. What? Okay, so... um, what?" :::research, research, research::: Call Probate court. Call attorney. :::research, research, research::: "Wait... could this really happen?!?"

How did this happen?
A co-worker of Neal's approached him last Thursday and said that the daughter of a friend of his was pregnant and considering making an adoption plan for the baby. "Interested?"

When is she due?
When Neal first told me about this situation, I was sure he said that his co-worker said she was pretty early in the pregnancy so my first thought was that we would have time to get ready. Turns out that's not the case... She doesn't know her exact due date but the doctors are putting it around 10/13, so she's considered full term now and could basically go into labor any day! Yikes!

Wait. So this baby and Kasen would only be 4 months apart?
Yup. It would be similar to having twins - it's actually referred to as "artificial twins" or "pseudo twins." It would be easier in some ways (for example, Kasen is already sleeping through the night) but harder in others (example, he's getting ready to start teething). Life would indeed be insane for the first few months... possibly for the rest of our lives! Our hands will be incredibly full... but I'd rather have them full than empty. And this type of thing does not happen every day.

Is it a boy or a girl?
We don't know. She said she thinks it's a boy, her mom says she thinks it's a girl. She had an ultrasound done this past week but she is too far along for them to be able to tell. Neal and I both really want a girl, but there's no way we would walk away from this situation over that. We want more kids... and I don't see us stopping at two. So, if this is a boy - bring it on and we'll find our girl later!

Does she want an open or closed adoption?
She wants an open adoption. We are totally willing to send pictures and updates and will see where the relationship goes!

What's the situation like?
She is 20 years old and this is her third child. She had her son when she was 17, got married to a different guy at 18, had her daughter at 19 and is now getting a divorce. Her husband is in jail in California for at least 3 years for domestic abuse and she knows that she can't handle any more kids right now. She was going to school but had to put that aside when she found out she was pregnant.

What does her husband think?
We don't really know. He has said he wants visitation with the two they have now, but he hasn't really acknowledged the pregnancy. He has two older children from a different marriage that he has no contact with so we're hoping he will not fight this in anyway. However, if he did, there are three different reasons that he may qualify for that would allow the courts to involuntarily terminate his parental rights.

How have her pregnancies played out in the past?
Great! She and her kids have all been healthy and the only issue she had was with her first pregnancy... her son's head was too big to engage so she had to have a c-section. Her daughter was delivered that way and this baby will be as well. She had lost her Medicaid for some reason so she hadn't been getting regular pre-natal care throughout the pregnancy, but she spent 10 hours at the doctor on Tuesday and will be getting her test results back this Monday. Everything seems to be fine with her and the baby so far!

Will you be in the labor/delivery room with her?
Because it's a c-section, probably not. She has said that she has a friend she would like to have there and we are absolutely okay with that. At this point to her we are strangers and this is such a huge and emotional decision, we want her to have all of the support that she can so if she wants her friend with her for it, that is her choice.

I thought adopting a baby from the US cost like $30k and took at least a year, usually longer...
It does. Again, this is totally NOT a normal circumstance. If this all works out, we are looking at having everything from home study to relinquishment of rights happen in like a month. That's RIDICULOUS and practically unheard of. Also, because we are not going through an agency but doing everything ourselves, we will be paying considerably less than what most adoptions cost... and between Neal's employer benefits and tax credits, we should get every penny back... basically making it free. Again - this situation is so NOT normal so please do not try to "help" others who are trying to adopt by telling them our story of how easy it is. It's usually an emotionally and financially draining thing to go through. I know that I'm actually going to have some guilt to deal with over how easy this has been if this all works out like it seems to be doing.

So... what now?
Now we finish our home study and wait. All we have left to do for the home study is get our physicals done, pick up our background checks from the sheriff's department, gather our references and turn everything in to the Probate Court. Their assessor will then come to our house to do a walk through to make sure it is a safe place to live... and then we wait for the baby to be born.

She isn't 100% sure yet that she's going to go through with this so truly everything is still up in the air, which is why we are just going with it to see what plays out. Everything that we think is going to be a roadblock seems to keep falling into place so we're keeping as calm as possible, not getting out hopes up and just doing what we can on our end to be ready in case she decides to go forward with it and chooses us.

What if she changes her mind?
She absolutely has all the rights in the world to change her mind and if she's not 100% sure about going through with it then I WANT her to change her mind. Honestly... this is one of the biggest decisions that anyone ever has to make in life and it's an incredibly selfless act. When making an adoption plan, the birthmom actually has to decide to go through with the adoption twice. Once when she initially decides to do it and again after the baby is born. She has to wait for 72 hours after the baby is born before she can sign anything and until she does, the baby is hers to do with what she wants. However, once she relinquishes her rights, the only way she could take the baby back is by hiring an attorney and proving that her situation has changed and that the baby is better off with her than with us. Which means we would basically have to do something incredibly drastic that would make it unsafe for us to raise the baby... and we wouldn't do that. It's those 72 hours that are going to be hard... for everyone involved but mostly for her.

If she decides to parent the baby, we will be disappointed but are okay with that as well. Honestly, I am just thrilled that this situation has already had a positive impact: It has opened Neal's heart to adopting. Adopting wasn't something he was sure about and he was actually talking about trying to get pregnant again already... which I'm unsure about. My recovery was much longer than it should have been and after hemorrhaging and dealing with the prolapsed uterus, I'm afraid that my body just isn't really meant for labor/delivery. Getting pregnant scares me now... and I really don't want to go through IVF again. My choice has been adoption for a long time but he wasn't ready to talk about it - now he's all on board and excited!

Can we help? Do you need anything?
At this moment, all we need are positive thoughts and prayers that everything works out the way it should.

If we do adopt her (I'm being optimistic that it's a girl!), because we just had Kasen, we have just about everything we need. Kasen is already in a big car seat (he's long!) so we have an infant car seat just sitting here. If it's a boy, we've got plenty of clothes and if it's a girl, I'll enjoy going on a little shopping spree at Once Upon a Child! She'll sleep in the bassinet in our room until she starts sleeping through the night so she doesn't disturb Kasen in the middle of the night and we can worry about getting a crib later. I plan on just continuing to pump, so we're good in that regards... though I may need some more bottles. (Kasen's actually going to be starting solids soon so it should work out that as she's needing to eat more breastmilk, he'll be needing to eat less of it!) The only things I can truly think of that we'll need to get are newborn diapers (and more BumGenius diapers down the road when she's big enough to fit into them), a double stroller and a minivan!

So, that's that!

I leave you with the cutest dang lion cub ever:

What a crazy whirlwind this week has been.

(From here on out I'm referring to A as BM for birthmom and M as GBM for grandbirthmom.)

We still haven't really talked to BM yet as we keep missing each others' phone calls. I was starting to draw away from the situation more and more because of this but then all of a sudden things started magically falling into place and now I can feel myself starting to get hopeful that this is really going to happen.

BM has been in and out of the doctor's all week for a bunch of tests and we're told the baby will be coming "very, very soon" and that BM is 90% sure she wants to meet with us. The "very soon" remark had me thinking that there was no way we'd be able to adopt this baby unless she agreed to parent him/her until our home study was ready. The "90%" remark had me wondering if she is thinking she's 90% sure she wants to do an adoption or just meet with us for info or meet with us to talk about us specifically adopting or all of the above.

GBM finally caught me today and said that BM is ready to meet with us.

They are coming to our house tomorrow at noon for lunch.

We're going to order pizza.

And discuss her giving us her child.

...

...

This is all so surreal.

I've been running around getting the house babyproofed (they'll be bringing BMs 3- and 1-year-olds). I gave Max a bath, vacuumed, mopped, tidied the house. I still need to put clean sheets on the bed and clean the bathrooms but that's about it.

My fear about not getting the home study done before the baby is born is still there, though hopefully we'll find out tomorrow that she's got at least a couple of more weeks... I honestly think we can have it done by the end of next week which is absolutely INSANE.

I talked with an attorney's office who verified everything I've read and answered my questions. The moment BM says she wants to move forward with us, we're calling them to make an appointment to go in and put down the retainer.*

We have the home study paperwork in hand. Forms are 80% filled out. Copies are made. References are out and should all be back by Monday. Fingerprints were done today.** The physicals are the only thing possibly holding us up but I'm working on that as well.***

Seriously. This is Insane. Ridiculous. Crazy.

*Money
I had a brilliant idea the other day as far as how we're going to pay for this. And the minivan we're going to need. And the new heat pump we need to get.

My grandma. She lives with my parents and has like no bills. She tried to pay for my college years ago but I wouldn't let her. She's just sitting on her money and her financial guy keeps telling her to spend it but she says she just wants to leave it to her kids when she dies. We're going to ask her if she will loan us the money. The home study is only costing us about $300 and the attorneys fees should be around $3k so I'm thinking of asking for $5k to make sure we have a cushion for anything else that might come up. If the adoption goes through, we'll pay her back when we get the tax credit/empoloyer refund stuff. If it doesn't go through, we'll take out a loan for the amount that we've spent and pay her back immediately.

Neither of us have ever borrowed money from anyone so we're both a bit nervous about asking and don't know how to proceed. I'm afraid I'll start rambling... though I'm like 99% sure she's not only going to say yes but that she's going to be thrilled to be able to help us.

**Fingerprints
I found out that since we haven't been Ohio residents for five years or more, that we have to get a federal background check done. I was all, "there is no way this is going to work out" knowing that most government things like that usually take 6-8 weeks. We went to the sheriff's department today and were in and out rather quickly. The guy at the front desk said they should be back by Monday and the lady that actually did them said that they are coming back very fast and "call me at 8 p.m. and I'll let you know if they are back yet." 8 p.m. TODAY? WHAT? Yup. 8 p.m. today. (Of course, I completely forgot to call, but you can bet I'll be calling first thing in the morning!)

***Physicals
I don't have a primary care physician so I'm running into an issue trying to get a physical done quickly. Everywhere I have called either isn't accepting new patients or can't get us in until Monday or Tuesday afternoons. Afternoons are bad for The Boy, but we could make it work. The downside is that we'll have to wait at least a day (maybe two) for lab results to come back (blood and urine) and then the form specifically says that the patient is not to see the form and that the doctor has to mail it directly to the court, which could take another day (or two). I've left a message with Jenny (our court contact) to see if it can be faxed to them instead. We'll see. Or if maybe they'll make an exception because of the timeline and let us pick them up and physically hand them over... maybe if it's in a sealed envelope or something. I don't know.

Our hope is that Monday or Tuesday we can gather everything (we have to pick up the fingerprint results and one of the references and hopefully can pick up the physical forms), and hand deliver everything to Jenny. From there I'd love to hear her say, "I'll be out (by the end of the week) to do the walk through of your house." Baby holds off to be born until the following week and voila! done!

But that's my wishful thinking.

I'm not too nervous about tomorrow yet but I think part of that is because I'm in shock that all of this is happening. I mean, a week ago today I was minding my own business planning our upcoming-but-possibly-soon-to-be-cancelled trip to Virginia for a friend's wedding. Now I'm considering baby names for a child that could very well be here within the next two weeks.

WHAT?

I must go get some things done and go to bed. I have a feeling sleeping is going to be quite difficult tonight.

From the county website:

The Role of the Assessor
In stepparent, agency, and private adoptions, the services of an adoption assessor are used to investigate the adopting family and prepare a report called a home study. The home study contains basic information about the adopting family and the assessor's recommendation. This information will assist the Court in determining whether the adopting family is suitable to adopt and whether the approval of the adoption is in the best interest of the adoptee.

Is a Home Study Always Necessary?
Except for the adoption of an adult, a home study is required in every adoption, and will be conducted by an adoption agency or a Probate Court Assessor.

Though I still don't 100% believe that it's true, all of the information I am finding online is saying that an assessor for the Probate court (at least in Ohio) can do a home study. If this is true, we really are looking at paying WAY less for a home study than I have EVER heard of.

I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. The Boy keeps saying "believe it's true until you know otherwise," but how can NO ONE know about this? (Besides the fact that if you do a search, you are going to be bombarded with agencies saying they are the way to go and to not trust attorneys and attorneys saying they are the way to go and to not trust agencies.)

Anyway.

We got the packet in the mail today and it's like six pages long. Plus a page for each of us for a doctor to complete and a small pack to give to four people for references. Otherwise, we just have to go to the local police department to get fingerprinted and send everything back with a copy of our marriage license. Seriously... the thing that will probably take the longest out of all of that is getting in with the doctor for a physical.

WHAT? Seriously. Denial here.

After that, the assessor would come to our house for a home visit then write everything up.

Home Study done.

It just can't be this easy.

If A chooses us and that's all there is to the home study, I am going to have some MAJOR guilt to deal with knowing everything everyone else I've ever read about has had to go through to adopt. I'm already feeling guilty because of my cousin wanting to adopt and being home study ready, yet us being the ones to have a birth mother approach us out of the blue.

Life just isn't fair.

A hasn't called back but we did talk to her mom yesterday for awhile. She sounded really nice and this situation - obviously minus the heartache that A is going through - seems totally ideal.

Her previous two pregnancies have been completely normal and healthy. Though she hasn't been getting regular prenatal care, everything seems to be going well and she feels fine. As far as M knows, she doesn't drink or do drugs. She was going to school but had to stop when her financial assistance got messed up by her husband - so she's currently without insurance. M said she wants to get her in for an ultrasound to see how far along she truly is. I didn't say it but would totally pay for this (allowed by Ohio law) if she was considering us... especially if we could find out the gender. Neal and I really want a girl, though I don't think we would walk away if it's a boy.

The BF is in jail "probably for the next 5 years" for domestic violence, so even though we don't know how he'll feel once A tells him she's considering adoption, I found Ohio law that says the BF can have his parental rights involuntarily terminated for many reasons... one being if he will be unable to parent the child for 18 months or longer and another for abuse. If he's going to be in jail for 5 years for domestic violence, then he's obviously done something really bad so each of those things themselves would probably be enough to involuntarily terminate his rights.

My heart just aches for A and her kids. :(

On top of that, he apparently has two other kids that he has absolutely no contact with. I don't know why he doesn't see them, but one of the other reasons he could have his rights involuntarily terminated is if he has had his rights to other kids terminated.

So that's all positive... for us at least.

From what we got from her mom, neither of them really know much about the adoption process or even where they would need to start, but she really wants to get A to at least talk to us. I told her that we would be totally willing to talk to her and let her know her options because we are educated on the subject. Absolutely no pressure on her to choose us. Granted, we would love that, but we are totally at peace with whatever happens. If she has been brought into our lives strictly to help her make some sort of a decision (even if that means parenting the baby), so be it. I would honestly be thrilled if she was brought into our lives just so we could put her in touch with my cousin! So whatever happens, happens, and we are okay with that!

I printed out some things for her to read - her rights, her husband's rights, etc. - and put together a basic "these are your options" things to go over with her.

Both A and M do want an open adoption. I told M that we were totally 100% willing to send pictures and updates and that once we got to know each other if we hit it off, we would be opening to discussing more, like visits and stuff.

When we were talking to M yesterday, The Boy took me by surprise saying, "Please let her know that we are not counting on her to let us adopt her baby. If that happens, great - but we are going to be starting the adoption process either way."

I couldn't believe it and just sat there staring at him.

Later when he was getting ready for work, he kept stopping me from leaving the room saying, "I want to talk about this!" I just grinned and laughed at him and told him that I've been dying to talk about this stuff for years! He said he doesn't know what changed for him, but I answered him saying, "Kasen." He just grinned and said, "I think you're right."

We were hoping they would call us and want to get together today, but we haven't heard anything. M said she thinks A is in denial and therefore putting things off. We explained that if she does want to pursue it with us, we would need to know asap because we have to get the home study done. (she didn't know what that was.) But again, we're not banking on it, and would really just like to talk to her to let her know what her options are.

And, we are totally going to need a minivan. I got Kasen's big carseat yesterday and put it in the car before leaving the store to make sure it fit with the infant carrier. It fits, but that's about all the room I have in there. If we don't get a minivan, our poor dog will never leave the house again because there's just no room!

We were only able to talk to A for a few minutes this morning as we caught her at a bad time. She said she would call us back but we didn't set a time. We told her The Boy leaves for work at 2 p.m. but that I'm here all day and we'll both be around on Saturday. I'm hoping she'll call me this evening after she gets her kids to bed, but she may wait until Saturday.

What we know for sure

A is 20 years old. Pregnant with her third child. Getting a divorce. Can't afford another baby.

She would like an open adoption, but the baby "wouldn't have to know who I am." She mentioned something about birthdays and Christmas.

She admitted that she "needs to get this all taken care of" because she only has a month left. Yes, she's due 10/16. Or she thinks she's due 10/16. She also thinks she's having a boy.

(I'm taking the "thinks" to mean she is not sure when she got pregnant and never had an ultrasound to find out the gender, but is just basing that on her gut.)

What we don't know
Everything else.

I didn't get to bed until almost 2 a.m. and tossed and turned for awhile. I couldn't shut my brain off and was feeling quite overwhelmed and uncertain about everything. I had dreams all night about the situation. I was up at 6 a.m. with Kasen and was so wound up that I pumped and fiddled around online for a bit before going back to bed for a couple more hours.

The Boy did't go to sleep until almost 3 a.m. He was so giddy and excited when he got home and was dying to talk about the process and everything that would need to be done. Of course, his excitement dampened when I told him about the home study process and he started reading the Ohio adoption codes, but he was still very gung ho about everything. I was actually so relieved to see him sitting at the desk pouring over things online... researching this on his own. I felt a huge weight lift off my shoulders... the weight I constantly felt during fertility treatments because I did all of the work and often felt like I was alone in it all. I've been bracing myself for that *if* I ever got him to agree to do adoption, but apparently he's on board now.

(I give most of the credit to Kasen for this. He has opened The Boy's eyes to the joys of parenthood and children and he is just head over heels in love with him.)

So around 11 a.m., we sat at the desk together as I nervously dialed the phone. We had agreed that The Boy would do the talking first so we weren't accidentally talking over each other.

We tried calling her mom, M, but the number wasn't in service so either The Boy copied it down wrong or told me wrong or something. I'm sure he'll check with his co-worker tonight about it. I'm actually surprised that he hasn't called me... they must be busy.

So we decided to go ahead and call A. We had found out that M had mentioned us to her so we felt comfortable that she was at least aware that we could be calling. A guy answered, which took The Boy by surprise because his co-worker had told him he thought her husband was in jail. He asked for A and she got on the phone. The Boy started rambling a bit so I sort of jumped in and took over and that's when I was taken by surprise. A sounded so young and nervous and just overwhelmed with her situation. I was also surprised by the peace that came over me. I wasn't nervous. I wasn't anxious. I felt completely at ease.

After we got off the phone, I immediately called my aunt who is the Probate judge's secretary for our county to find out if it's even possible to get a home study done in a month or less and what the laws are regarding a BM wanting to place a baby with someone who isn't home study ready.

It's good to have contacts :)

I talked the Child Placement Coordinator, Jenny, and found out that it would be illegal for us to take the baby without our home study but she also told me lots of rather shocking information.

1. If we get on the ball with our part of the paperwork, a month is "plenty of time" to do a home study. (WHAT? Everything I've read says plan on it taking 6 months.)
2. The Probate court does home studies. (I was under the impression you either had to go through an adoption agency or a private social worker.)
3. They charge $175 for the application fee and we'd have court costs for us and A, but she said at most, those should be no more than $500-$800. Otherwise, we'd have the other standard costs - like co-pays for our physicals, background checks,etc.

That's it.

I had her repeat herself like three times and then re-clarified it again because all of the books and things I've read on the internet - which has always referred to home studies through agencies, even if it's just the home study you are having done - as taking a lot more time and costing a lot more money. (Like $2-5k just for the home study.) She said that most people just aren't aware of it.

I still don't quite believe her because it's totally opposite of everything I've ever heard of but I'm going with the flow for now.

Obviously we would have more costs because we'd have to hire a lawyer, but I'm still thinking it could all be done for... $5k? Surely no more than $10k. (Add in the $11k tax credit and The Boy's employer's $2500 assistance and it's totally free. What? HUH?)

But all of that is beside the point. I'm seriously very at peace with everything... at this point I feel like I don't care if it works out or not. (Strange, I know.) I sort of feel like this is just paving the road for us... opening The Boy's heart to the possibility and information coming to us about the process. Not necessarily for this baby, but so we know the path that's ahead of us.

I really just want to talk to A and see how I can help her. I get the feeling that she hasn't educated herself very much on the adoption process and I really just want to make sure that she knows her rights and options.

And, if I wasn't having enough peace already, if we decided not to go forward with it, I learned this evening that my cousin and his wife are trying to adopt a baby as well. (They actually recently were "in the running" to be picked to adopt a newborn, but another couple was chosen over them.) I would be more than willing to put them in touch with A to help them get this baby if she was interested. (He was in an accident 14 years ago and is paralyzed from the waist down, so I'm sure that makes birthparents think twice because of the stigma that comes with wheelchairs. Not that his wheelchair slows him down one bit... they strap him to four wheelers so he can ride, he's gone scuba diving... he's a nut.)

So, that's where we are with things. Jenny is mailing me the information packet to get the home study started if we choose. I think either way, I'm going to go ahead and start gathering documents that we have at home so those are at least ready... whether to go ahead with this adoption or situations that may present themselves in the future.

Um.

I am sitting here in shock after getting off the phone with my husband who called me from work to tell me that a co-worker of his who is aware of our fertility issues and knows we're considering adoption in the future just passed along the phone numbers of a 20-year-old (A) who is wanting to give her baby up for adoption. He said this is her third child and she already can't take care of the first two she has. He doesn't know how far along she is and he doesn't think she's planning on using an agency. He gave us the phone number of her mom (M) as well, who is the one who told him all of this in the first place and asked him to have us call her.

I was rather shocked to hear the hope and excitement The Boy's voice in the first placebut warned him not to get his hopes up. I've researched adoption and read enough blogs that adoption isn't some easy schmeezy "here take my baby" thing.

So, although I was planning on going to bed early tonight - as in as soon as I got Kasen down for the night - I'm going to be up re-reading adoption information. I've always kind of skimmed over private adoptions, figuring the chances of that happening would be very slim.

The Boy wants to call M tomorrow because we don't know if A knows that M told her about us and we don't want to be calling A out of the blue if she has no clue to expect a call like that.

Holy crap. What do we even say to these people? I'm horrible at being myself when I'm nervous... I get anxious and my brain stops working.

:::smacks self::: It's just a conversation. We'll get some details on the situation and let them know about us and our lives.

One thing at a time.

(Though I am secretly thrilled that though he's always brushed me off in the past, The Boy has apparently been thinking about adoption all this time... enough to talk to co-workers about it. Wow.)

So yesterday I went into the hospital to have my pessary removed.

This involved my first trip to an operating room. I wasn't nervous at all, which seemed to shock everyone because they kept offering me sedatives, especially after I told them I didn't want general anesthesia and to just give me an epidural. The OR nurses were amused that I was wide awake and able to get on the table by myself and everything because they aren't used to that. They had to keep telling me to stop trying to help them when they were getting me situated on the table and putting the pulse ox on my finger. :::shrugs:::

The epidural hurt a bit and I think he had a little bit of problems getting it in. I started getting a little sweaty and nauseous but just as that started he was done so I could lay down and felt much better.

I didn't feel anything and was surprised when the doctor said that the pessary was out. I didn't know what he was doing at the time, but when he was swabbing my vagina to get it clean inside (I had a pH imbalance due to the pessary), I could feel it. It sort of felt like a baby kicking but it hurt a little because the epidural was just a saddle block so it numbed only the parts that would be touching a saddle and lower.

I was very relieved to hear that I didn't rerip again so I didn't need any stitches. He said I can "resume relations" in five days and other than being just a little sore down there, that area is great! I haven't checked yet to make sure that my uterus is actually staying up where it should be though. He said that with me laying down it was in the right place but obviously he couldn't check if it'd stay put because I couldn't stand due to the epidural.

After the procedure, I went to the PACU (post-anesthesia care unit) and was told by the charge nurse that my goals were to "wiggle your toes and clench your butt" then I could go to the short stay recovery unit until I was able to stand and walk and pee.

Unfortunately, I didn't have my book with me so I spent almost two hours just sitting there looking around. I couldn't sleep because it was quite noisy so I just listened in on the office gossip instead. Once I accomplished my goals, they transferred me to a rolling chair, where I promptly almost fell because I couldn't feel my thighs. I couldn't even tell that my feet were on the ground - weird! Then I got rolled up to short stay where my mom met me with a bagel and coffee from Tim Hortons. I ate that and some graham crackers and drank some apple juice, peed like a race horse (apparently I'd had to go but couldn't tell because that area was still rather numb) and was released to go home.

We stopped by Blockbuster and rented "Sunshine Cleaning" and "7 Pounds," ordered pizza for dinner and chilled all evening. My my back was killing me where the epidural went in. I don't know why I was thinking "it won't hurt at all!" I had one during delivery, but I was on percoset for like two weeks after that so I never noticed the pain from it. It's definitely quite sore and I can't bend or slouch at all. I had a hard time laying down and couldn't lift Kasen yesterday. Today, I'm moving pretty slowly and though I can now pick him up, I have to be careful and there's no way I can carry him all over the place. My parents stayed the night last night but went home today so my plan is once The Boy goes to work this afternoon, Kasen and I are going to camp out in the livingroom. I may even drag all of his diaper supplies and stuff out there so I can change his diapers without going back to his nursery. I think I'm going to dig out some of our movies and watch them this afternoon. (We don't have cable and I'm so not into soap operas or court room tv, which is all that is on in the afternoons.)

So - all went well and I'm feeling like my uterus is back where it belongs. I was talking to my doctor and told him that The Boy wants to get a SA done in a couple of months. He mentioned maybe putting him on some Clomid and that he'd research it. I've heard of Clomid being used as treatment for sperm issues, but I've never really looked into it so I'm off to do that now. Anyone reading have experience with it being used on your husbands?

Just documenting a few things about Kasen that I don't want to forget:

-Kasen laughs whenever I suction his nose out or pick it with a baby q-tip. He finds this hilarious for some reason. As far as I'm aware, this causes most babies to cry.

-Like I did when I was a baby, he likes his nursery. He'll let us know when he wants his diaper changed and if he's crying, he usually calms down once he realizes we're heading down the hallway to his room. One of his favorite spots is on his changing table. My mom even commented that his whole demeanor changes when he's laying there. He giggles and grins and talks and kicks his little feet with joy. He's been so completely content and happy there at times I've let him lay there and play while I clean his room or put clothes away.

-He also loves getting his diaper changed. Again, this makes most babies scream but he's always liked it!

-When he gets really upset, his face gets all squished-looking. My parents saw this today for the first time and mom laughed that he looks like a completely different baby when he makes that face. I think he looks like a cartoon character who got hit in the face with a frying pan. Or a pug.

-He adores Mr. Giraffe and Mr. Turtle. They are these cloth pictures that match his bedding that I hung up on either side of the rocking chair. Whenever we burp him he stares at one or the other and just grins and giggles like they are the funniest things in the world.

-We have conversations that usually go something like this:

Kasen: a-goo
Me: Oh, really?
Kasen: a-gee-blah-blee
Me: No way! Then what happened?
Kasen: squeal
Me: Nuh-uh! How much is that going to cost you?
Kasen: uh-ooo-a-goo
Me: You should look on Craiglist first. You might be able to find it used for a lot cheaper.
Kasen: mmm-kay (which sometimes sounds like "I'm gay.")

-Today, I laid him on the floor while I put together a Thomas the Tank Engine train set I got at a yardsale (the complete set for $20!). I figured he'd last 10 minutes tops, but he laid there for at least half an hour happy as could be looking around at stuff. At one point I heard a lot of grunting and looked over to see him trying desperately to roll onto his stomach. He's been able to get onto his side for a long time now (it's his favorite sleeping position), but this was the first time you could tell he wanted to go further. He'd get up on his side and grunt each time he'd try to go further. All he ended up doing was spinning himself around in circles, but it's a start! Soon... very soon.

-He knows the bib means food is coming. He'll be crying and as you put the bib on him, he stops crying and does the "o" face just waiting for the bottle.

-He likes his binky but doesn't need it all the time. He really only wants it if he's sleepy.

-At almost 3 months old, he's wearing 6-9 month clothing. :::sigh::: I'm very glad I didn't buy a ton of stuff before he was born. I also need to break out the 12 month hand-me-downs I have packed in the basment and see if any of them are winter appropriate because at this rate, he will be in them December-February.

-He has one inch left to grow before he's not supposed to use his infant carseat anymore. I'm currently researching which carseat we want to get.

-It's only been a week since I started letting him pay in the exercauser and I've already had to adjust the height on it. Me thinks he's going to be tall like his dad's family.

-He's been sleeping 7-10 hours at a time at night. If he wakes up after 7 hours, he takes about 15 minutes to eat and get his diaper changed and he's back to sleep for another few hours at least. Score!

-During the day, if I put him in his crib for naps, he only sleeps 20-30 minutes. We've discovered that if we put him in our room, he'll sleep longer... 1-3 hours! Our room is cooler and darker and we figure the bed smells like us as well... all bound to help him sleep heavier. He'll sleep even better if Neal is with him.

-We started using sign language at around 3 weeks old. We do diaper, eat, bed, mommy and daddy. Obviously he can't sign back yet, but if he can tell the difference between his binky and his bottle, and know when you put the bib on him that means he's going to eat, then he should be picking up that those signs go with the actions. (He always laughs when I sign diaper at him. :::shrugs:::)

A rough snapshot of our current daily schedule:

8 a.m. Kasen wakes up. Depending on his work schedule, Neal takes him for some Daddy Time. Gets his diaper changed and eats 5-7 ounces.
8:30 a.m. If Neal's not up, Kasen sits in his bumbo (which he recently decided was cool) while I make myself breakfast and gather pumping supplies.
8:45 a.m. Kasen plays in his exercauser next to the desk while I pump, eat and check my e-mail/facebook/blogs.
9 a.m. By this time, Kasen decides he's had enough. If I'm not done pumping (I usually get 15 ounces in the morning because I don't pump at night), we start having conversations to get him to last a little longer.
9:15 a.m. If the conversations have worked, now he's really done playing and ready for his morning nap. Quick snack (usually just a couple of ounces) and a diaper change. Sometimes I put him back in his crib, sometimes he goes in our bed (especially if Neal is still asleep).
10 a.m. The morning nap doesn't always last too long... just enough time for me to get a couple of things done. (Like putting in my contacts and brushing my teeth! Sometimes getting out of my pajamas and in real clothes is involved. Sometimes.) Kasen eats 3-5 ounces, gets his diaper changed and gets dressed for the day.
11 a.m. The Price is Right comes on. We don't watch this every day, but usually by this time, I'm ready to eat lunch and Kasen will sit on the couch or play in his Jumperoo while watching the show or play on the floor.
11:30 a.m./noon Usually he falls asleep sometime during TPR.
1/2 p.m. Kasen wakes up, eats 5-7 ounces and gets his diaper changed. Depending on what I have going on, we'll either run errands, clean house (he likes vacuuming), do laundry (diapers are about every other day, though I'm getting more so it should stretch me to every two days) or cook, which involves him playing in his Jumperoo in the kitchen or sitting in his Bumbo watching me. Lately, I've been trying to go for a walk around our property in the afternoon. We stop and talk about and touch different things... Daddy's tractor, the trees, etc. We also check the mail and check on our garden at this time.
4 p.m. Diaper change and afternoon nap time. Usually the longest nap of the day. This is where I really get stuff done, including pumping for the second time. I usually get 7-10 ounces.
6/7 p.m. Kasen wakes up, eats 5-7 ounces and gets his diaper changed. At this point, we usually just chill in the livingroom. He either plays with any of the aforementioned toys while I finally get to sit and watch some TV, does tummy time or sits on my lap having conversations with me. He likes when I play with his feet... but that game has led me to the discovery that his feet smell! It's his toes. The stank originates at his toes. Poor guy. I can only imagine what his bedroom will smell like as a teenager.
9 p.m. We start the bedtime routine. Bath day is every other day. He really wants to sit up in the tub but can't yet. He's not heavy enough to hold the bumbo down and he's too small for a bath chair I have. As of now I lay him down and wash him, then hold him in a sitting position while I rinse him. If it's not bath day, I run a sink of soapy water and let him sit on the edge with his feet in the water to get them clean. (Again, they smell! Even with daily washings!) At this point he just stares in the mirror or looks in the water at his feet but he hasn't started kicking in it yet. He does like it when I splash water onto his legs though. Next I wash his hands, face and neck. Go to the nursery and put on a night time diaper and jammies. Sit in the rocking chair and eat 5-7 ounces. If he's still awake after eating, we'll read a book and/or sing a song and then say good night and put him in his crib. He usually falls right asleep or will jabber and smile at random things before passing out.
10 p.m. Almost always asleep by this time, if not earlier. I pump (7-10 ounces) and get ready for bed myself. I'm usually in bed by 11 p.m.
4 a.m. If he wakes up, it's usually between 3 and 5 a.m. He'll eat about 3 ounces, get his diaper changed and goes right back into his crib where he promptly falls asleep until about 8 a.m. when the whole thing starts over again!

I pump about 35 ounces of milk each day.
Kasen eats about 30 ounces each day.
He goes though an average of 6-8 diapers a day.

I read somewhere not too long ago that dogs can learn up to 100 words. After more research, I discovered that some actually believe that dogs can learn up to 500 words. This got me thinking... how many words does my dog, Max, know?

He's a smart dog. The most well-behaved and obedient dog I've ever owned. In the back of my mind, I realized that he already knew a lot of words - more than the basics of sit, stay and come. So, I decided to make a list of the words and phrases that he knows:

1 Max
2 sit
3 stay
4 down (for "lay down")
5 come
6 heel
7 go
8 get him/get her/get it
9 eat
10 hungry
11 wait
12 go
13 ride
14 car
15 walk
16 leash
17 "check the mail" (a favorite daily activity of his as he gets to destroy the junk mail.)
18 easy
19 The Boy/boyfriend/daddy
20 Carrie/girlfriend/mommy
21 Kasen
22 Hoover (neighbor dog friend)
23 Leyla (another dog friend)
24 Poppy (my dad)
25 Grandma (my mom)
26 baby
27 Katlyn/Katie (my niece)
28 bath
29 home
30 scootch
31 off (for "get off of that" or "no jumping.")
32 "bang bang" (for playing dead.) (He used to know "stick 'em up," too but doesn't do it any more as he immediately goes to playing dead because he knows that's what follows and he'll get a treat.)
33 no
34 up
35 horse
36 cow
37 duck - used for any flying animal
38 cat
39 Mollie (our cat)
40 Siren (our cat)
41 Dexter (our cat)
42 Lily (our cat)
43 "drop it" or "give it"
44 bed
45 "go to sleep"/"go nite, nite"
46 "go outside"
47 "go potty"
48 ball
49 bone
50 Little Man (a toy he had that was a gangster who said "Are you talkin' to me?" and has since been destroyed - x2.)
51 "where is" followed by what you want him to find - ball, bone, Neal, cat, etc. and he'll go looking for it.
52 swim
53 chicken
54 "bring it" He knows what this means but for a retriever he doesn't do it very well... mostly because he prefers to play keep away.
55 bite
56 "good boy"
57 "bad boy"
58

I know there's more because I keep thinking of them when I'm not at the computer...

Things he knows to do usually without being told:

- That he has to "ask" to get up on the bed with us and to wait for permission.
- That he can't go past a certain point in the front yard.
- That he's allowed to go to one particular neighbor's yard to visit (and no one else's). And they've trained him to go home when told.
- When we are walking on the bike trail off leash and he sees someone coming, he will slow down and wait for me to catch up to him to heel beside me until they pass and I tell him he can go.
- To stay in the back of the truck in parking lots.
- To sit and hold still when we are putting on his collar.
- To hold still when we are cleaning out his ears.
- That a towel laid on the floor is for him to dry himself off with after a bath, swimming or being out in the rain.
- That with permission he is allowed to play in the rain water that collects in the deep end of our currently broken swimming pool.
- Not to take food off the coffee table. (Though a handful of times he has snuck and done this.)
- Not to mess with bags of trash waiting to go out to the dumpster.
- Not to poop right outside the back door. He's actually trained himself on this one and usually does his business out in the field.
- To sit and wait for permission to eat his breakfast/dinner.

The one thing we are still working on and have been since we got him almost two years ago is jumping on people when he's excited. He is much, much better than he used to be, but he still does it occassionally. He actually did it to me last night at a cookout we took him to, although I know it was out of insecurity as we had him tied to a tree away from everyone because there were a bunch of babies around and it was a public park. Once we all got settled in, The Boy took him for a walk and after everyone ate, we let him off the leash and he laid down next to the blanket the babies were on, content as could be.

But yeah... he rocks :)

When my OB told me that it will take time for my body to become "unpregnant" after delivery, I had never heard that word used before and I thought of how cruel it sounded but also realized how well it describes the ALI world.

Those adopting are truly expecting a child, just not from their own bodies... unpregnant.

Infertiles desperately wanting to be pregnant, pumping themselves full of drugs that even mimic pregnancy symptoms and going to great ends just for a chance of making it so... yet time and time again failing... unpregnant.

It probably describes those who have lost pregnancies the best. Their minds knowing the baby is gone but their hearts not convinced and the hormones still in their bodies from the pregnancy... unpregnant.

What an awful word.

Did I ever write on here how during our counseling session before doing IVF, my husband told the doctor that he thought I spent too much time reading blogs and that he wanted me to stop because they made me sad?

It just showed how much he didn't understand how hard everything had been for me. He didn't understand that reading blogs helped me find comfort in the stories of others. He didn't understand this amazing community that I had found that was really the only thing keeping me (mostly) sane through everything. Yes, some stories make me sad and I've shed many tears while reading them. I've even read some to him through tears, trying to get him to understand my pain as well.

He thinks those stories I shared belong to other people when really they are our story, too.

But he didn't get that.

He doesn't get that.

ICLW intro here!

Um... I may have JUST in the past 10 minutes had a realization that I should have had a year ago.

I'm all like, "I wonder why The Boy's sperm count was so much higher when we did IVF than it had ever been before?" (At the 4 IUIs we did, they were 4m, 3m, 1.9m and 1 m. At IVF they were miraculously 9 million.)

Then it hit me.

We had done acupuncture in March, April and May.

IVF was in September.

They say it takes about 3 months to see any changes in sperm.

May to September is 4 months.

Did acupuncture work for us without us even knowing it?

Not that 9 million is an amazing count that makes us a fertile couple... but it's much better than the 1 million we had at the final IUI.

I keep meaning to call the RE to find out details of his SA at IVF. All I know is his count was like 9 million. I want to find out if the morphology, motility, etc. was better, too.

I'm even more curious what his counts are now. Have they dropped again because he hasn't been doing acupuncture? Would acupuncture raise them again?

I am kicking myself for how slow I am sometimes.

I tried to do ICLW the first time it started and failed miserably. I'm not off to a great start today either as I was thinking it started tomorrow and I'm super busy today, so we'll see how it goes this time, too. :::sigh:::

Quick background:

-I'm 30, married to The Boy for almost 4 years.
-PCOS w/ insulin resistance and male factor.
-3 years of TTC, 4 failed IUIs, 5 rounds of Clomid, IVF w/ ICSI turned into our son, Kasen, who was born in June. He's awesome and we totally already want another one.
-Labor/delivery was a little rough on me... I hemorrhaged and am still recovering from a prolapsed uterus.
-The Boy wants to start trying for #2 as soon as my period returns (and my uterus is healed, of course!) but he also seems to think we won't need treatments again and will miraculously be fertile since his sperm count was the highest it had ever been at IVF (9 million). I, on the other hand, would rather skip all the TTC madness and start the adoption process. I just really don't want to go through treatment again. We'll see what pans out.

Off to finish cleaning my house. We're hosting a Movies Under the Stars tonight... have about 30 people coming over to watch "The Emperor's New Groove" outside on our 110" projection screen. Always fun!

(If you leave a comment, please don't forget to leave your name and blog address!)

Random changes to my body that took place during pregnancy:

(I've never heard or read anything about the first four.)

- My moles became crusty and slightly raised. Those that were already raised are now even more so. My doctor claims that as I become more "unpregnant," they'll return to normal and I should have the ones that don't looked at.

- The hair on the bottom of my forearms all broke off. Or fell out. Something. I didn't notice this until it started growing back and it looked like I had shaved them because they were all prickly. Weird.

- Speaking of hair, at some point during the pregnancy, my leg hairs stopped growing as much. I was only having to shave like once every week or week and a half with no annoying itchiness. Towards the end of the pregnancy, it started growing faster again.

- My always very sensitive-to-cold teeth decided they didn't mind the cold at all. I thought this was awesome. I could finally eat ice cream, bite into popcicles, chew on ice. It was fab.

- I was tentatively diagnosed with IBS at the beginning of 2008 but during the pregnancy, my BMs were relatively normal... I even had constipation every once in awhile rather than 2-3x a day diarrhea. This was fab as well.

- I fell in love with 2% organic white milk. Couldn't get enough of it.

So, as my OB put it, as my body becomes more "unpregnant" it'll start returning to normal. And it has.

The moles that were crusty and raised are all flat again. (The ones that are more raised are still that way though so I have a feeling I'll be seeing a dermatologist soon.) The hair on my forearms has grown back. (Again, weird.) My teeth are super sensitive to cold again. (Damn.) I can't stand organic milk anymore. (This is fine as that stuff is expensive.) But the most annoying one of all is the IBS.

Fun, fun, fun.

It's not just the obvious downside of constantly going to the bathroom... it's the fact that I'm once again not getting the nutrition from what I'm eating.

This may be TMI so you are warned:

Over the past few days, when I go to the bathroom there floating in the toilet is whatever I ate last... even if that was just like an hour ago, including things that should be easily absorbed. Like watermelon.

No nutrition being absorbed means I'm constantly hungry... but the more I eat, the more I poo.

The major downside though? If the food isn't getting absorbed, guess what else isn't?

My medicines.

My expensive vitamins, my extra iron I'm still on from hemorrhaging during delivery and my savior, Metformin. Metformin not only keeps me feeling good, but I 100% attribute my success at even having any breastmilk to it. I've noticed a slight decline over the last few days in the amount I'm getting, which coincides perfectly with the increase in diarrhea. Way not cool.

When I saw a gastroenterologist in 2008, he gave me the choice of trying fiber powder or having a sigmoidoscopy done. We were getting ready to move so I opted for the powder... and it definitely helped. I've been on either the powder or pills for a year and a half.

I am aware that I've also been out of my fiber pills for about a week now. I haven't been to the store to get more yet and have just been making sure that I'm eating a high-fiber cereal and extra veggies/fruits. I ran out of cereal, too, though. In the past when I've gone a few days without pills/cereal, while I've had looser stools, I haven't seen my undissolved Metformin floating alongside. This was the change that got me to see a gastroenterologist in the first place and this reoccurance distubes me. Because I feel weird without my Met and it's providing my son's food supply! And I hope to continue that food supply for at least another four months!

My plan is to get more fiber pills and be diligent about taking them for a couple of weeks and see what happens. If things get better, I'll decide what to do from there. If they don't, I'm going to find a gastro around here and see what he says. Can't say I want a sigmoidoscopy done, but if there's something that can be done, I'd rather do it now then live in the bathroom the rest of my life.

Interesting: http://www.helpforibs.com/footer/pregnancy.asp